Gently Joining

Blended movie pitches, inspired by the revival of a classic Barbelith thread and seeing the director’s cut of The Wicker Man over Christmas.


On holiday in the island of Summerisle, Peter Parker is nibbled by a radioactive rabbit and becomes Wicker-Man, the pagan superhero with the power to spontaneously combust. All goes well until Kirsten Dunst’s brazen nudity raises his temperature just that little too far...

The Running Man

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a pious Scottish sergeant who flies to the Hebrides to investigate a murder, only to find himself caught up in the filming of Who Wants to Be a Pagan Sacrifice? Relentlessly pursued by game-show contestant villagers with chainsaws, he dons a thirty-foot high suit of wicker armour and mows them down with a geese-propelling bazooka.

Wicker: The Man and his Dream

Preston Tucker challenges the automobile industry of the 1940s with a bold new car design that’s thirty years ahead of its time, with seat-belts as standard, triple headlights, and all-leather cow interior. Unfortunately, the exteriors are made of wicker, and as soon as the cars are started they ignite.

Wick of Time

Johnny Depp burns to death in real time.

Here’s what people said about this entry.

I can’t stop...

Wilbur Wants to Kill Bill
Uma Thurman inherits a Glasgow bookshop and wastes its customers in four-hour gorefest. Cameo by Dylan Moran.

Eternal Sundance of the Spotless Cassidy
Two bank robbers erase their memories and forget why the hell they’re going to Bolivia in the first place.

Frances with Wolves
1930s actress gets lobotomized for thinking she’s an Injun.

Schindler’s Millions
German manufacturer spends 30 million marks in 30 days to inherit a factory full of Jewish prisoners.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Klute
Sylvester Stallone desperately tries to prevent Estelle Getty from going on the game.

Added by Rory on a Wednesday in April.