How to Use Elektronikmail

To: mein.readers@everyvere.kom
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 20:33:28 +0100
Subject: Ze Vonderful Vorld of Elektronikmail!

Velkome, damen und herren, to mein lesson on zat most vonderful of all aspects of informazionundkommunikazionteknologisches: ze Elektronikmail, or 'Elektronimail' for short.

Ja, you may already have heard of ze Elektronikmail, und even have used it vonce or tvice. But how much do you really know? Did you know zat:

  • Elektronikmail vas invented by Dr Ludvig von Komputor in 1914, and used to send football tactics to Deutsch troops in ze trenches;
  • Ze first Elektronikmailmessage read 'Herr Vatson, come here, I vant you!', und ze second contained ein attachment of Kaiser Wilhelm singing 'Mary Had Eine Kleine Lamb'?
  • Elektronikmailmessagen are sent out in 'packets', und zese are sometimes intercepted at customs by crack troops of German Shepherd sniffer dogs? (Zat is vy some messages go astray, or 'into ze ether' as ze saying goes, because ze sniffer dogs often have ze addiction to 19th century anaesthetics.)
  • Elektronikmail vas ze first 'killer app' of ze Internet, leading to ze unfortunate St Valentine's Day Mailing List Massacre of 1993?

Zere are many, many more fascinating historical facts about ze Elektronikmail, but I have not ze space for zem here, since mein host has said 'You go over ten megs and I bust your balls'. Instead, I vill fokus on how to set up und use Elektronikmail for yourself.

First, you need ein komputor—but I assume you already know zis, ha ha! Or you vould be ein dumkopf. If you have not ze komputor, read mein Guide to Buyink Your Komputor, or mein forthcoming Guide to Paying Through Ze Nose at Netzkaffees or Guide to Hogging Ze Machines in Universitat Komputorlabs. Ein vay or ze ozzer, you need ze komputor access, or you vill be restricted to using vot ve 'netizens' call 'snail mail'—und as ve all know, ze speedy snail ist ein contradiction in terms.

Ven you have ze komputor, you need to 'hook up' to ze Internet. Ze easiest vay is to go out und buy ze newspaper or magazine, hold upside down und shake it, pick up ze CD zat falls out und insert it in your komputor. Zis is vot you vill see:

Deutschland On-Line

Plug your komputor into ze modem und ze modem into ze phonejack und ze phonejack into ze hipbone und hear ze vay of ze Lord. Now doppelklicken on ze DOL application; enter ze kreditkard number; kontakt ze bank manager for ze overdraft; und vait for ze telephone ikon to get ze little sqviggles. Congratulations! You are on ze line!

Next you must launch ze Elektronikmail application, Microsoft Bundespost. Select 'Checken zie Mail'. If you have ze message already, your komputor vill speak to you in tiny voices, 'Haben zie Mail!' Ach, ist anozzer message from Meg Ryan. Vill she never leave me alone? Play hard to get und send her to ze trash.

Now zat you are 'on-line' und 'hooked up' und 'vith it', ist time to send your first Elektronikmailmessage. But who to send to?

If you are lucky, you already have many Elektronikmail addresses, from your friends, your family, your doktor, your business acqvaintances, your pets, und your Aunt Helga. It is ze 21st century, after all—everyvun uses Elektronikmail except you. Look through your collection of business cards for all zeir Elektronikmail addresses; copy addresses from your favourite Veb sites; write to for ein CD containing 15,000,000 addresses of ready und villing korrespondents. Now select 'New Message' und copy every address you have into ze 'To:' field of ze message. Make sure not to use 'Bcc:' by mistake, or zey vill not be able to see each ozzer's addresses, und your Aunt Helga vill be disappointed if all of your friends, family und casual sex partners cannot contact her for ein good time.

In ze 'Subject:' field, you must write something catchy und vitty to attract everyvun's attention, something like 'On-Line at Last!' Zen, in ze 'Body:' of ze message, write somezing deeply personal und from ze heart:

Hello everyone! Phew! 'On-Line' at last, as they say! Thanks to Mike for helping me fix the technological hitches! I'll be writing as often as I can, but until then don't be shy about sending me all YOUR news! I can't wait to read all about it! Bye for Now!

Ist ein very good start. But if you have any avareness of 'net culture'—und of course you do, you vise reader—you know zat somezing is missing: ze Emotikons. Elektronikmailmessagen vizout Emotikons ist like Rostbratwurst vizout mustard. Here are some examples to add to ze end of ze message—ze more ze merrier:

:-) ;-) :-D ;-D :-P ;-P >:-( >;-( ¨\@_=

Now ist komplete—almost! Vot if your friends do not recognise your Elektronikmail address, or your name, or your idiosyncratisches writing style? Luckily, ein pikture says ein tausend vords, und you can 'attach' pictures to your Elektronikmailmessagen, vich saves much typink. Find ein photograph of yourself. Zat old school group photo is fine—just circle your head so ist not too confusing, because all zose mullets look ze same. Now get Mike to scan it into your komputor at ze high resolution, say 1200 dpi (Detailed Photographen of I), und save as uncompressed BMP format (Big Mutherf---en Photographen). Zat vay if your friends have ze poor eyesight und cannot recognise you, zey can zoom ze picture to 600% und see zat funny mole on your forehead.

'Attach' zis file to your message, select 'Flag: High Priority' (so zat nobody confuses your message vith ein low-priority waste of bandvidth), und click 'Send'. An alert vill appear, reading 'Zat message vill be 37876546 bytes in size und sent to 15000032 people; do you vish to kontinue?' Click 'Ja'—und zat is zat! Your first Elektronikmailmessage is being sent. You may find zis takes some time, und zat ze lights in ze room go dim. Vile you are vaiting, you could make ein cup of kaffee, do ze ironink, or catch up on book svei of ze Glass Bead Game.

Ist exhaustink process, ja? So exhausting zat I have run out of energy to write about all ze ozzer exciting things you can do vith Elektronikmail. Zat vill have to vait until next time—so until zen, tschüss!

17 January 2003

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