Increasink Your Elektronikmail Power

Buenos nachos, das senors y senoritas! Or 'salsa la vista', as mein Spanisch-sprechen freunde sometimes say. Now zat ve have successfully set up your account, it is time to discover ze infinite possibilities of ze Elektronikmail. Ja, because Elektronikmail is vot puts ze 'Internazional' into ze 'Internazionalnetwerk', or 'Internet' as Englischers confusinkly know it. Vith ze Elektronikmail, you can write not only to your friends und family in Deutschland, but to people you have never even met on ze ozzer side of ze vorld—in Ekvador, Kolombia und even Ürügvay. Imagine zeir joy ven zey open ze Elektronikmailmessage from you und read your vords of fellowship und goodvill. Imagine ze special gifts zey vill send you in return, shrink-wrapped in plastik und packed in chewing tobacco. Und think of all ze ozzer friends you vill make in ze Amerikas as ein result, in important organizations like ze DEA und CIA. Zese are relationships zat could last for ze term of your natural life.

All vould be impossible vizout Elektronikmail. But how do you make zese important internazional contacts in ze first place?

Here is ze secret: Mailink Lists.

Now zat you have had ein account for several days, you know how disappointink it is to get ze 'No New Mail' message ven it checks automatically every 90 seconds, especially ven Ron in ze next office ist complainink of a groaning box. Vy is he gettink 800 messages an hour und strutting about like ze hot scheisse (pardon mein Französisch) und not you? Zat is korrect: ze Mailink Lists. Ron has signed up for 178 Mailink Lists, und every morning his box is overflowink.

Yours could be too.

But vere to find zese Mailink Lists? Ist qvite easy. First, think of somezing you like—even better, somezing you like to talk about—ein lot! Zen, typen ze subject into ein popular search engine (like Gügle), vith vords 'Mailink List' also, und you vill find ze veb pages showink vere zey are und how to sign up.

Musik ist ein popular subject of Mailink Lists. Für example, I am a member of ze Mailink List for fans of ze greatest Deutsch popstar of ze 1980s—Nena. She vas singer of more zan zero vorldvide smash hit singles. You can join also, by visitink www.nena.kom.de und fillink in ze form vith your Elektronikmail address. Ze next morning, your box vill be full of excitink messages:

Vy, from zis Mailink List alone I have found at least vun set of lyrics, vun Guitar Tab und three mp3s (99_luftballons.mp3, 99_luft_12_inch.mp3, und 99_luft_karaoke_mix.mp3)—not to mention several tausend messages from ze fellow fans, und offers to meet in ein kaffee in Hamburg for ze hearty singalong. Und thanks to ze Nena Mailink List, ve all knew ze vords! (Alzough zere vas some disagreement about ze precise phrasink of line svei in ze third verse, vich kept ze list buzzink for veeks.)

But you may be thinkink: vot strange magik ist zis, zat lets everyvun on ze list receive ze same messages? Is zere ein single solitary person who sends ze same Elektronikmessage to every address on ze Mailink List? Ze answer is: ja. His namen ist Major Domo. I suspect he ist Japanischer or Chinesischer. Somevere in ze mystik Ost, he slaves over ze komputor und hits 'Send' again und again und again und again. Zat is vy, ven you send a message to your Mailink Lists, you alvays send to majordomo@nena.kom.de (or vatever ze domain name ist). His box must be enormous!

I vonder about ze Major sometimes. He gets much Elektronikmail, but none of it is for him. Ist he happy? Ist he lonely? Ist zere ein Major Domo's Lonely Hearts Klub Band? Und vere does vun catch ein newspaper taxi, anyvay?

Fortunately, you vill never be as lonely as ze Major—not vith all your new Mailink List friends. Und not if you join ze biggest und best Mailink List of all: ze Schpam Mailink List.

Zis vas named for ze Monty Pythons, zose vacky Britischer funsters who like to eat ze processed schweinoffal. I guess vas originally full of messages about how hilarious ze Life of Brian vas. (Ist still ein classik. 'Velease Vodevick!') Nowadays, ze Schpam List ist full of very useful offers zat vill save you many euro.

To join, go to Gügle und type 'XXX'. You vill find many links. Click vun, und cover ze screen so Herr Direktor vill not see ze pictures of ze rustik frau mit farmyard animals. Zere vill be a place to enter your Elektronikmail address und kreditkard number. Ven you have signed up, your box vill soon look like zis:

See how many people are writink to you? Und vith so many fine offers! Mein particular favourite ist from Mrs Sese-Seko, whose message begins:

DEAR FRIEND,

Hold right zere. See how she uses ze kapital letters? Ist ze sign of ein important message. Und already she ist mein freunde! You vill never be lonely mit Mailink Lists.

I AM MRS. SESE-SEKO WIDOW OF LATE PRESIDENT MOBUTU SESE-SEKO OF ZAIRE?

Who vould have thought zat das humble Deutsche mann vould ever meet ein Dictator? Or at least ze Dictator's vidow. But Frau Sese-Seko seems unsure of vich country her husband vas Dictator. Zis seems odd; mein suspicions are aroused.

NOW KNOWN AS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC).

Ah, zat ist better.

I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER, THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION.

Aha, ist 'in confidence'. Zis must be ein 'off-list' message between Mailink List Members. Fear zie not, Frau Sese-Seko, your secret ist safe vith Herr Doktor!

I ESCAPED ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND AND TWO OF OUR SONS KENNEDY AND BASHER OUT OF DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC) TO ABIDJAN, COTE D,IVOIRE WHERE MY FAMILY AND I SETTLED, WHILE WE LATER MOVED TO SETTLED IN MORROCO WHERE MY HUSBAND LATER DIED OF CANCER DISEASE.

Ach! Such touchink stories! Such human drama! Ze cancer disease ist indeed terrible. Und so is Cote D,Ivoire, I hear. I shall read on... nein, skippen zis bit... ah, ja:

I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF EIHGTEEN MLLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS(US$18,000,000,00.) WITH A SECURITY COMPANY , FOR SAFEKEEPING.

Eihgteen mllion United State dollars! Frau Sese-Seko ist qvite ze vealthy voman, ja? Mein avaricious instincts are aroused.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST US BY RECEIVING THE MONEY ON OUR BEHALF.

US$18,000,000,00 all for me! Ja, I am interested, mein gut Frau!

ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MESSAGE, SO THAT I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SON (KENNEDY) WHO HAS THE OUT MODALITIES FOR THE CLAIM OF THE SAID FUNDS.

Zat ist ein relief. I vould be scared to meet Basher.

I WANT YOU TO ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY, BUT I WILL NOT WANT MY IDENTITY REVEALED.

Oops.

But ist nicht matter: on closer inspection, I suspect ze hands of satirikal persons. Frau Sese-Seko's writink is full of ze spellink mistakes, as if ist makink fun of people who sprechen ze Englisch nicht gut. Zat ist ein terrible thing to do, ja? Zis so-called 'humor' ist ein blight on ze Internet.

Movink on. You have seen ze many possibilities of Mailink Lists. Und of course your next qvestion ist, 'Herr Doktor, zat ist all vunderbar—but how do I set up ze Mailink List of mein own?' Perhaps you have ein hobby you vish to share vith ze vorld, like schtamp collectink, matchbox collectink, or pictures of rustik frau collectink. Vith your own Mailink List, you can speak vith fellow outkasts from all over ze vorld, und Bavaria.

To set up, ist easy. Write to Major Domo vith ze vord 'Help' in ze subject line of your Elektronikmailmessage. He vill take pity on you, und send ze instructions to set up your own Mailink List on your own server. (Haben zie not ein server? You must vait for mein future lesson, 'Doktor Komputor's Guide to Apache, und Ozzer Secrets of ze Vild Vest'.)

Now, tell everyvun you know about your new Mailink List. Many thousands of people vill soon be joinink, so ist best to set your list to Digest Modem. Ist so called because thousands of messages vould Digest ze Modem into ze molten pool of plastik. Instead, zis setting puts all ze many messages into vun message, makink it easier for your Modem und your readers to handle. Ja, I know, ve all vant many, many Elektronikmailmessages—but zere are limits, ja? Like ze speed of sound, und of light; ist ze same for Elektronikmail (see Einstein, Albert, 1913, 'Ze Theory of Relatives Sending Ze Joke Emails').

Here is an example of ein Mailink List set to Digest Modem. Ist mein own List, vich I set up after mein first extremely popular lesson on komputink:

Received: (from majordomo@doktorkomputor.kom.de) id DAA01423 for doktor-komputor-digest-outgoing; Sun, 26 Jan 2003 19:56:32 +0100
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2003 19:56:24 +0100
From: Owner-Doktor-Komputor-Digest@doktorkomputor.kom.de (doktor-komputor-digest)
Subject: doktor-komputor-digest V1 #1
Sender: Owner-Doktor-Komputor-Digest@doktorkomputor.kom.de
To: doktor-komputor-digest@doktorkomputor.kom.de
Reply-to: doktor-komputor@doktorkomputor.kom.de

doktor-komputor-digest - Sunday, January 26, 2003 - Volume 1: Number 1

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Doktor Komputor] Velcome!
[Doktor Komputor] Hallo?

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 9 March 2000 11:43:37 +0100
From: "Doktor Komputor" <doktorkomputor@doktorkomputor.kom.de>
Subject: [Doktor Komputor] Velcome!

Guten tag!

Velcome to mein Mailink List! Zis ist ein Mailink List for all ze many readers of mein Vorld Vide Veb page, «Ask Doktor Komputor». Here you vill find ze extra tips, tricks und mischiefs vich are not available on ze VVV. I am lookink forvard to all of your Elektronikmailmessages, und hope you vill enjoy talkink vith each ozzer und vith your host (vich is me!). Ze list is set to «Digest Modem» by default, so zat it vill not blow up ze modems of you all vith its humongousness. Remember, some of us still have ze 7200 baud!

Happy postinks und readinks. Go zie crazy!

Best vishes,

Herr Doktor Komputor, Dipl. und M.A. (Leiden), D.Phil. (Oxon)

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2003 19:56:19 +0100
From: "Doktor Komputor" <doktorkomputor@doktorkomputor.kom.de>
Subject: [Doktor Komputor] Hallo?

Vere is everyvun?

------------------------------

End of doktor-komputor-digest V1 #1
***********************************

So you see, Elektronikmail und Mailink Lists are ze key to ze infinite vorld of informazionundkommunikazionteknologisches und ze Internazionalnetwerk. Vith access to Elektronikmail, you vill be part of ein vibrant vorld-vide community of caring fellow human beinks, vith philosophy based on mutual friendship und respect for ze Kommon Gut.

Now zat you have taken ze first steps into zis vorld—ze Komputor, ze Elektronikmail, ze Veb Pages—ist time to explore ze more esoterik aspects. Mein next lesson vill be pushink ze envelopes und cuttink ze edge. But I vill keep ze subject ein secret for now, to lure you back again und again, und to drive up mein advertising banner page views. Until next time, das senors y senoritas, Adios!

29 January 2003

<<Mein Previous Lesson · Mein Next Lesson>>

·····

Front · 2002 · Walking West · Dr Komputor · Detail · Found · Rory Central · Textuary · Grinding Noises · Cartoon Lounge · The Stand-Up · The Twisted Bell · Pacific Politics
©2003 Rory Ewins