Ask Doktor Komputor

Greetinks, vebfolk. Velcome to Ask Doktor Komputor, ze first HTML guide on ze Vorld Vide Veb written in ze amusinkly overblown German accent. In zis guide, you vill learn how to make veb pages zat vork every time, on every browser. Forget all zose other HTML guides vith zeir difficult instructions. Doktor Komputor vill show you ze vay.

1. Choose Your Editor

When choosink ze Editor, I vould choose Tina Brown. She is qvite famous, ja? She edited ze New Yorker, und zose New Yorkers know a thing or swei about editing.

If you cannot get Tina Brown, you vill have to make do with a komputor program instead. For editing veb pages you have several of the choices, such as GoLive, FrontPage, DreamVeaver und GottunddammerungKunstMuseumVebBildenProgram (not available internationally). I vould not recommend any of zese. Zey tend to create complicated code vith tables und style-sheets und ze like. Zis is not ze clean, pure code ve are aiming for.

I vould recommend instead zat you use a 'text' editor. Zese take your 'text', as ve call it, und allow you to 'edit' it. Just like Tina.

2. Choose Your Language

Unfortunately, you cannot choose German for writing ze veb pages. You must use a different language, depending on ze type of file you are creatink, for example:

example.html: This vould be written in ze HTML, or Hyper-Tina Markup Language. Zis is very good for ze editing, as you can imagine.
example.xml: Zis is written in XML, vich stands for Xtreme Markup Language. Zis is intended to be ze future language of the Veb for not just ze Personal Komputors but also ze Palm Komputors, mobilphones, und more extreme 'clients' such as snowmobiles und jetskis. For zis reason you should not use ze XML, in case your Personal Komputor starts to think it is a jetski und launches off your desk und into your svimming pool.
example.xhtml: Zis is, obviously, Xtreme Hyper-Tina Markup Language, vich is Tina Brown on a jetski. Good for ze fast editing.
example.asp: Zis is a veb-page written in ASP language, vich is the language spoken by serpents, snakes, und legless lizards. It is also ze language spoken by Microsoft NT veb-servers, vich only goes to show.

Vich of these should you use? Unless you can afford a jetski or like being bitten by snakes, zere is no choice. It must be HTML.

3. Choose Your Version

Zere are many different versions of HTML: 2.0, 3.2, 4.0, 4.01 Strict, und 808 State, to name a few. Ze larger ze number, ze more complicated! So zere is only one choice for ze vise veb designer who seeks simplicity: 2.0.

4. Start Writink

Here is how to structure ze vebpages. Begin vith this line as your first 'tag' (or 'day')...

<HTML>

Vait. Vy bother vith zis? Zis is ze VVV. Everyone knows it is HTML. Your komputor knows it is HTML. How do you think it feels, havink everyone stating ze obvious at ze start off every page? It is demeanink for your poor Komputor. So, Doktor Komputor recommends you omit zis tag. Your page vill still vork.

<HEAD>
<TITLE>Zis is Doktor Komputor's Homepage</TITLE>
</HEAD>

So far you see ze essential elements. Ze HEAD is vere ze brain off ze vebpage is. Ze TITLE is its name, vich it keeps inside its brain. Next ve have a complicated 'tag'.

<!--

Zis is ze beginning of a 'comment'. Only special peoples can read these, who know ze magic menu-item 'View Source'. Zen zey can see all off your beautiful code und comments. You should put a big long comment here for all off them to read, so zat your page grows big und strong und full of Ks.

Ze final --> is ze 'end comment' tag. Mein Gott, ist so confusink! But ze next vun is not so bad.

<BODY>

Every HEAD needs a BODY, ja? Othervise it is just a disembodied head, floating in ze air, vith its eyes protruding und its spinal cord dangling from its neck, und zat is too creepy.

I vill let you in on ein secret. If you use zis tag just as I have shown you, your page vill look beautiful in Netscape Navigator, vith a lovely silvery grey background. But if you view it in Microsoft Internet Explorer, it vill be a boring vite. It vill look just like ze piece of paper, ja? Und zis ve do not vant, because ve are using ze komputors, und grey is ze color of concrete und metal und other high-tech things, vich is gut. But zere is a trick zat vill turn your pages a lovely grey no matter vat browser you are usink.

Ist easy, ja?

Next, you must add your content. But hold ze horses! Ze content must be in tags also.

<H1>HELLO UND VELCOME TO MY VEBPAGE</H1>

Zis is ze headink. Zere are several, from H1 for ze biggest down to H6 for ze smallest. You should alvays use H1 und capital letters to get ze maximum effect. Zis headink is a little short; you may vant to use more vords, so zat your page grows big und strong. You should alvays remember to say 'velcome to my vebpage' in your first headink, so zat visitors do not accidentally think zey are looking at, say, ze television, or ze vall, or a picture off ein beautiful madschen.

<P>

Zis starts ein paragraph. Now, write as much as you vish. Remember zat ze longer ze paragraph, ze bigger und stronger your page vill be.

<P>Hello und velcome to my vebpage. Mein namen ist Doktor Komputor und I vill be your host. I have lots of lovely things on mein vebpage. Below zere is a picture of my puppy. Und look, it is my house! Und zere are many links. I hope you vill stay here a long, long time, und never leave. In fact, I have disabled ze back-button on your browser using ze JavaScripts so zat you cannot. Ha, ha! Now you must close ze browser to leave, ja? But you cannot do zat either. I have disabled ze close-button. Und ze menus. Now all you can do is read mein beautiful vebpage. You must unplug ze Komputor if you vant to leave - but vait! I have disabled ze off-switch on ze vall, und if you unplug it vill send 50,000 volts up your arm! Ha! Zat vill teach you for vanting to leave. Now look at my puppy.

You see? Zere is no closing tags for ze paragraphs. (Unless you use ze HTML 4.0 Strict or XHTML 1.0, but ve are not doing so because is too complicated, ja.) Zat is so you can keep adding more und more to ze paragraph und it vill never end. Long paragraphs give visitors more to read, und zat is why zey are visiting, ja? To read your vebpage.

Now I vill show you ze next trick of ze vebpages. You can put pictures in them! Ja! You shake your head in disbeliefs, but it is true! Here is how.

First, you make your picture in a picture-makink program. You can take a photograph of your puppy vith a 'digital kamera', or you can scan a photograph of your puppy using a 'flat-bed scanner', or you can scan your puppy directly vith a 'hand-held scanner', or you can draw a picture of your puppy by hand using a mouse (not a puppy). Open your picture in ze program und save it in 'uncompressed' form so zat every beautiful detail is captured. Avoid GIF, JPEG und PNG formats; use BMP or PICT. Make sure ze image size is nice und large so zat every detail is captured; say, 1000 x 2000 pixels.

Now link to it from your vebpage zis vay.

<H1>A PICTURE OF MY PUPPY</H1>
<IMG SRC="mein_beautiful_puppy.bmp">

Do not use an ALT tag saying vat ze picture is, as some so-called 'veb experts' suggest, as zat vill spoil ze surprise. Und do not specify ze HEIGHT und WIDTH of ze image, as zat vill leave a big blank space on your page vile it is takink several minutes to download, und ve do not vant to annoy our visitors, do ve?

Here is ze code for ze next picture, vith caption also.

<H1>LOOK, IT IS MY HOUSE</H1>
<IMG SRC="mein_beautiful_castle.bmp">

Now zat ve have shown ze visitors some vords, und ze lovely pictures, it is time for some links.

<P><A HREF="einpage.html">Here is ein link.</A>
<P><A HREF="sweipage.html">Und look, another link.</A>
<P><A HREF="dreipage.html">Klicken zie here.</A>

You see zat zese are all in separate paragraphs, so zere is plenty of 'vitespace' (oops, I mean greyspace) around each one. I have made sure zat ze visitor knows zey are links by telling zem 'Zis is ein link' und 'Klick here'. Und—vich is most important—I am only linking to my own other vebpages. Othervise my visitor vould be leaving my vebpages, und zat is not gut, ja?

Now zat your content is finished you should add some legal statements in ze 'small print'.

<P><SMALL>THIS IS MY PAGE UND NOT YOUR PAGE UND YOU SHOULD NOT STEAL ANYTHING ON MY PAGE INCLUDING MY BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF MEIN PUPPY UND MEIN CASTLE UND THIS PAGE IS KOPYRIGHT (K) 2000 BY <A HREF="mailto:doktor.komputor@doktorkomputor.kom.de">DOKTOR KOMPUTOR</A></SMALL>

All zat is left now is:

</BODY>

Und your first vebpage is finished! Congratulations!

In zie next lesson, I vill show you ze extra features to add to your page, such as ze tables, frames, style sheets, applets, JavaScripts, CGI, Flash, Shockvave, XML, SGML, und AI.

Auf wiedersehen!

9 March 2000

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