| | A submarine captain (James Bachman) wearing a captainish hat, and his first mate (Rory Ewins), stand onstage. |
Captain | | Damn it, Cripps, it's so damn quiet down here, so damn still... when's Jerry going to make his move? |
Cripps | | Well, sir, we haven't actually left the harbour yet. |
Captain | | Then get us moving, damn it, man! |
Cripps | | Very good, sir. START ENGINES! |
| | Cripps then makes a very loud engine noise. The Captain mimes as if he's speaking ("Cripps, I can't hear myself speak; Cripps; Cripps!") and then yells (aloud, so people can hear) "SHUT THAT DAMNED ENGINE OFF!" |
Captain | | It's no good, I can't hear myself say 'damn' with that thing going. We'll have to switch to manual. Get out the oars, Cripps. |
Cripps | | With respect, sir... we don't have oars... |
Captain | | Don't have oars? When I rowed for Trinity in '38 every boat had oars! What kind of vessel is this? |
Cripps | | A submarine, sir. We're an underwater vessel. |
Captain | | That's no excuse, damn it! Oars work underwater, I've damn well seen them! They go into the water, then pushpushpush the water back, and there you go: simple propulsion without fuss. Now get the men rowing at once. |
Cripps | | I'm... afraid the men have forgotten their scarves, sir. |
Captain | | What's that? |
Cripps | | Their natty college scarves, sir. Can't possibly row without them. |
Captain | | Right! I want them all on deck doing fifty push-ups! |
Cripps | | Not strictly possible, sir... |
Captain | | Damn. All right. Well I'm not having that damned noisy engine switched on again, it gives me a headache. We'll simply anchors aweigh and drift towards our destination. |
Cripps | | But sir... |
Captain | | No buts, Cripps, damn you! Anchors aweigh! Drift! |
Cripps | | Very well sir... ANCHORS AWEIGH AND DRIFT! |
| | They stand there and look at each other for a couple of seconds. Fidgety. Cripps makes "Ping!" noises. |
Captain | | How far have we gone, Cripps? |
Cripps | | (Looks at instruments) About six yards sir. Perhaps you'd care to take a look through the periscope... |
| | Cripps holds up a cardboard tube. Captain takes it and holds it like a telescope, aiming it in the direction of the audience. |
Captain | | Yes, by God! Damned Jerry everywhere! Thousands of them! What's going on, Cripps? |
| | Cripps quickly whips card over the end of the tube—picture facing into tube. |
Captain | | Ah yes, that's more like it... We're near a port of some kind... hang on a minute. |
Cripps | | What is it, sir? |
Captain | | That's Trinity! My old college! We're in Cambridge! |
| | Cripps whips off card and checks it, mutters "Bloody Hell", then whips it back in place. |
Cripps | | Uh, yes sir. Special orders just received. Cambridge invaded, drift upstream at once. |
Captain | | Invaded? So those fellows in the eights are Jerry? |
Cripps | | More likely to be Americans, sir. |
Captain | | Oxford boys, eh? Right then! MAN THE TORPEDOS!... If that doesn't win us the Boat Race, nothing will! |
Cripps | | Torpedoes armed, sir. |
Captain | | Good work, Cripps. Do what you must. I'm just popping outside for a breath of fresh air. (He heads towards the wings.) |
Cripps | | But sir... |
| | Captain mimes opening a door. Someone off-stage throws a cup of water over him. |
Captain | | Bit humid out there. Reminds me of Burma. I think I'll just go lie down for a minute. |