Drug Store
| A corner store. The owner (Rory Ewins) stands at the counter; a customer (Robert Terry) comes in. | ||
| Customer | Good morning. | |
| Owner | Good afternoon, sir. | |
| Customer | I'll have a pint of milk and the Daily Telegraph, please. | |
| Owner | (Brings out pint) Your pint of milk, sir. I'm afraid the Telegraph's gone off. | |
| Customer | Oh. Thank you. (He leaves.) | |
| Another customer (James Pooley) comes in. He carries a bag of items. | ||
| Customer | (Abrupt) Hello. | |
| Owner | Good afternoon, sir. | |
| Customer | No, not really. | |
| Owner | I beg your pardon, sir? | |
| Customer | It hasn't been a good afternoon at all, I'm afraid. (Lifts bag) These items you sold me this morning are no good! | |
| Owner | What do you mean? | |
| Customer | What I mean is, I distinctly remember saying "I fancy a few hours of wild drug-induced orgasmic frenzy—I'll have some of your best-quality prohibited substances, please". | |
| Owner | ("I remember you...") Yeees. | |
| Customer | And you said "Certainly sir, here you are". | |
| Owner | Yes, that's right. | |
| Customer | But what do I find when I spend the afternoon dropping and popping these tasty morsels? Plenty of taste, all right, but no pay off! | |
| Owner | Surely not. | |
| Customer | Well, look at this, then! (Takes box of Smarties from bag and holds aloft.) You swore to me that this was A-grade Ecstasy. Fourteen packets I bought from you! And ate! And all I got was constipation! | |
| Owner | All right, so there was a slip-up in the formula. It does happen, you know. | |
| Customer | Slip-up in the formula, eh? How about this, then? (Brings out a large mushroom, and says in a Paul Daniels voice:) Magic, you reckon. | |
| Owner | D'you like it? | |
| Customer | Not a lot! A load of old fungus, I reckon. I've experienced more hallucinations listening to Barry Manilow records! | |
| Owner | Perhaps it's gone off! I'll get you a fresh one. | |
| Customer | And this! (Brings out can of Coke and holds it up.) I tried snorting this and almost drowned! | |
| Owner | Well, sir, I did tell you it was the "crack" form, which is meant to be smoked. | |
| Customer | Smoked! That reminds me! (Brings out packet of cigs.) Best Moroccan, you said! A subtle high like no other! As recommended in "Dope Fancier's Weekly", "Time Out", and the "Sun"—"Phew what a scorcher"! | |
| Owner | (Nodding) It's been advertised in various prestigious locations. | |
| Customer | I coughed for half an hour! If I didn't know better I'd say they were... Well look, I may be inexperienced in the shadowy world of narcotics, but I'm not naive. These things you sold me... they're not the real thing at all, are they? | |
| Owner | (In control now) Now, sir, you don't seriously think I'd take £600 of your hard-earned money and knowingly provide you with inferior product? | |
| Customer | Well it sure as hell looks like it. | |
| Owner | Why, I'd be the last one to disappoint a customer! Look, here's what I'll do. I will, no questions asked, allow you to return everything in your bag (takes bag from customer) in exchange for anything in the store. | |
| Customer | That's more like it. Well then, I'll have... | |
| Owner | But before you say another word, allow me, if I may, to recommend this. (He brings out a large bottle of liquid laundry detergent.) | |
| Customer | Uh... what is it? | |
| Beat. | ||
| Owner | Heroin. | |
| Customer | (Eyes light up) No kidding!... But I thought heroin was, like, a powder. | |
| Owner | Well, yes, the undiscerning customer may prefer a powder, but I think you'll find that more and more people are going for this new "ready to inject" form. | |
| Customer | Oh. Well, all right. (He takes bottle.) | |
| Owner | Of course it does cost slightly more than the goods you've exchanged... | |
| Customer | Oh, what do I owe you then? | |
| Owner | Another £150 will do nicely. | |
| Customer | (Hands over lots of notes) There you go. | |
| Owner | (Hands back 2 p) And there's your change. | |
| Customer | Thanks. | |
| Owner | Thank you, sir. And remember, a nice large dose with this one. I think it says on the side. | |
| Customer | Oh yeah... "one cup per load". That ought to get me well smashed, eh? | |
| Owner | (Sinister) Oh yes. | |
| Customer | (Assertive again) Just as long as I don't have to come back to complain about this one! | |
| Owner | (Sinister) Don't worry, sir. You won't be coming back. |
|
1992 First performed by Three Men and a Penguin at the Cambridge Playroom, January 1992. |
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