Job Interview
| An interviewer (James Pooley) is sitting at a desk. The applicant, Mr Smith (James Bachman), enters. | ||
| Interviewer | Come in, sit down. So, you'd like to be a television newsreader! | |
| Smith | (Holds his hand up to his ear and looks down slightly to the left) Yes, that's right... m-hm... m-hm... | |
| Interviewer | (Hasn't noticed, he's been reading his papers) ... Mr... uhhh... Smith. | |
| Smith | Glowpigeon. | |
| Interviewer | I beg your pardon? | |
| Smith | Glowpigeon, it's pronounced "Glowpigeon". | |
| Interviewer | (Indicating sheet) It says here, "Smith". | |
| Smith | (Knowing smile) Yes, it's a common mistake. The "S" is silent. | |
| Interviewer | The "S" is silent. | |
| Smith | Yes. | |
| Interviewer | "Mith". | |
| Smith | No, the "S" is silent, and the M-I-T-H is pronounced "Glow-pi-ge-on". It's from the ancient Aramaic. | |
| Interviewer gives him a funny look but accepts this. | ||
| Interviewer | Well, Mr... Glowpigeon. The selection panel has looked over your application and frankly, they feel you're the best person for the job. | |
| Smith | Thank you very much. | |
| Interviewer | Previous experience on British and Aramaic television... three years with Radio 4... BAFTA award for Best Smiley Teeth in a News Bulletin... all most impressive. | |
| Smith | Thank you. | |
| Interviewer | There's just one thing... your first name. | |
| Smith | My first name? What's wrong with it? | |
| Interviewer | Well, most people don't expect newsreaders of the name "Tarzan". | |
| Smith | Ah. | |
| Interviewer | Surely it's not your real name. | |
| Smith | (Indignant) Well of course it's my real name! | |
| Interviewer | Come now, you don't expect me to believe that any normal-minded parents would name their son "Tarzan Smith"... | |
| Smith | Glowpigeon. | |
| Interviewer | Tarzan Glowpigeon... | |
| Smith | Well of course they didn't christen me "Tarzan"... | |
| Interviewer | What did they christen you then? | |
| Smith | Johnny Weissmuller Glowpigeon. | |
| Interviewer | (Uncomfortably) Ah... | |
| Smith | So you see the "Tarzan" was a convenient childhood name. | |
| Interviewer | It's a nickname then, it's not your real name at all! | |
| Smith | It is!... I had it legally changed by deed poll. | |
| Interviewer | (Sarcastic) Oh, great. | |
| Smith | (Indignant) Look, I don't see the problem. The name Tarzan is bound to attract the discerning jungle viewer. | |
| Interviewer | I just think you'd do better in the newsreadering trade with a pseudonym of some sort. | |
| Smith | You want me to abandon the family name? Never! | |
| Interviewer | You need not go that far... if you just pronounced your surname "Smith" instead of "Glowpigeon", and used your old first name, you'd be perfectly acceptable. | |
| Smith | What... "John Smith". | |
| Interviewer | A touch unoriginal, I admit, but at least completely uncontroversial. | |
| Smith | ... How about "Cheetah Luminousbird"? | |
| Interviewer | Yeah orright. | |
| Smith | Great. When do I start? | |
| Interviewer | About three seconds from now? | |
| Smith starts reading the news; interviewer goes offstage. | ||
| Smith | Good evening, Jane Shiningfowl with the late news. (Looks at watch.) Oh my God, is that the time? (Runs offstage. Cut lights.) |
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1988, 1992 First performed by Three Men and a Penguin at the ADC Theatre, Cambridge, April-May 1992. |
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