Ties
| Two people stand onstage. One wears 4 or 5 ties at once. | ||
| Mr T | (In an "I don't believe it" voice) One pound. One pound! One pound! One... pound. (Pause.) A pound. Only one pound! Ninety-nine pence—plus a penny! One point seven-oh-one three dollars! ONE... POUND! (Another pause; then, in a "did you know, right" voice) Do you realise how cheaply you can buy a good tie? | |
| Bloke | (He's been watching this dubiously) What? A tie? What about it? | |
| Mr T | (Suddenly eager) Do you want to buy one? | |
| Bloke | Do I look like I want a tie? | |
| Mr T | ("Is the Pope Catholic?") Do I look like a travelling tie salesman? | |
| Bloke | Well... yes. | |
| Mr T | (Nodding) Been the family trade for years. Travelling ties... stationary ties... we sell the lot. | |
| Bloke | How much are your ties then? | |
| Mr T gives him an "are you kidding" look | ||
| Bloke | Yes, all right, a pound. But isn't that a bit cheap for a tie? How do I know it's not made of shoddy materials? | |
| Mr T | Shoddy materials? All our ties are made of the finest quality... (he brings out a very stiff tie-shaped object with a grainy finish. You could make this out of corrugated cardboard)...wood. | |
| Bloke | What. | |
| Mr T | I detect a note of disbelief, sir, but it is true. Best quality mahogany, oak, and teak, for an attractive appearance and a long-lasting finish. Varnish extra. | |
| Bloke | But—wood... how do you wear it? | |
| Mr T | Just nail it to your throat. You get a cheap, fashionable tie, and a free tracheotomy thrown in. | |
| Bloke | Won't it look a bit, well, stupid? | |
| Mr T | Stupid? Just look at that workmanship... look at that quality grain effect! | |
| Bloke | Yes, but... just hanging there like that? | |
| Mr T | Oh—don't like the long tie? How about a bow tie, in beech, elm, or ebony? (Holds up a stiff bow-tie shape; looks at it and does a double-take.) Oh I am sorry, that's one of our wooden butterflies. "Your own insect in durable pine". | |
| Bloke | Are all your things made out of wood? | |
| Mr T | Oh yes, we've got wooden cravats, wooden cummerbunds, wooden pants; wooden sandals... | |
| Bloke | Made of...? | |
| Mr T | Well, those are in sandalwood, obviously. | |
| Bloke | No, all of them... they're all made of wood. It's not very sensible, is it? What about silk? Or polyester? | |
| Mr T | (Serious) Sir, wood is the only choice in these environment-conscious times. A safe, clean, renewable resource harvested from Swedish forests. By buying wood, you're protecting the Amazon, saving the elephant, repairing the Ozone layer, and supporting a poor homeless tie salesman with a wife and two kids. | |
| Bloke | Oh, I hadn't realised. Well then, I'll take two. | |
| Mr T | (Hands over both wooden ties.) There you are sir. A sound choice. You'll be able to hand these on to your grandchildren, you will, and with a clean conscience! | |
| Bloke | Yes... what do I owe you. | |
| Mr T | Two pounds. Two pounds! Two pounds. Two... pounds! Three dollars forty... Two... pounds... (Fades out with lights.) |
|
1992 This page: 12 February 2000; last modified 16 February 2001. |
|
