Definitely Limericks: Ao-Ap
Aonian things are from Greece,
Like the people who dwell there and fleece
All the tourists who visit
To find things exquisite—
Like Musings, one euro apiece.
Aonia was where the Muses of Greek legend lived.
“Look after your vessels aortic,”
I said to my friend astronautic.
“It’s not a great place
For a heart attack, space.
One giant leap—POW! Rigor mortic.”
Whenever I said “apartheid”,
My South African friends almost died.
“In our segregate state,
It was called apartheid,
Or it was before Nelson,” they cried.
An ape at the top of his tree
Said, “I’m up at the apex, I see.
I’m so ’appy up ’ere;
I’ve a view without peer
Of that beehive, or apiary.”
Apocalypse? Why, but of course!
I knew it would come with some force.
The way we’re all dead,
And the sky has turned red,
And the four of you, each on a horse.
I apologise, right? Yeah, I’m sorry.
I regret having caused you such worry.
I’m remorseful. Contrite.
It was dark out at night
When I flattened your cat with my lorry.
Don’t fall into Microsoft’s trap
When they say it’s a true killer app.
It might well excel,
But the outlook ain’t swell:
The word on the street is it’s crap.
For years, Britain’s best-known appeaser
Was Chamberlain, ill-advised geezer
Who pandered to Hitler.
Could leaders act littler?
Who’d trump him? What’s your view, Theresa?
He’s head over heels for the girl;
Both his heart and his mind are a whirl.
How he’s yearning to grapple
His eye’s candy apple!
As centerfolds go, she’s a pearl.
She’s his diamond, his ruby, his pearl;
Such a huggable, kissable girl.
Of his eye, she’s the apple;
He aches for the chapel.
Too bad she’s a trucker called Burl.
When making a grant application,
You’re doomed to repeated frustration.
They check and inspect you,
And then they reject you;
“Dissection” describes the sensation.
Here’s an applicant you will admire;
I’d encourage you strongly to try ’er.
She’s intelligent, skilled,
And her resumé killed.
Yes, I’d say she’s the finest applier.
Every staff member dreads an appraisal;
Dissecting their sorrier ways’ll
Leave anyone glum,
So tread carefully, chum:
If your judgements don’t please ’em, a raise’ll.
Appraise this brief verse as you will,
There are others yet briefer; but still,
When it comes to haiku,
I’m unsure what to do,
So I’ll limerick ’til I’ve had my fill.
Comic verse writing
Occasionally brings forth
A lass who enjoyed domination
Was cracking her whip with elation;
As he crawled on the floor,
Her fiancé said, “More!”
Giving lashes of firm approbation.
Inspired by Seth Brown.
Our approximate time of arrival
At Howard the Duck: The Revival?
A bit after eight.
Every minute we’re late
Increases our chance of survival.
Ahhh, how we loved it at school
When we’d find us some gullible tool,
Then take him aside,
Say “yer shoes are untied!”
And the moment he looked: “April fool!”
The apteryx (commonly “kiwi”)
Outdoes the bird Scots call a “peewee”
In terms of its size,
But not when it tries
To fly; ’cause it cannae, in theowy.