Definitely Limericks: Ds-Dz

My uncle, throughout his maturity,
Was proud of his welfare-state purity.
He wore nothing unless
It was stamped “DSS”—
His deportment brought social security.

Both Australia and the UK once had Departments of Social Security.

Departmental rebranding is why
BIS has replaced DTI.
“Innovation and Skills”
Offers businesslike thrills;
“Trade and Industry” sounded too dry.

The UK government Department of Trade and Industry existed on and off from 1970 to 2007, when it was split into two new departments which were subsequently recombined into the Department of Business, Innovation and Skills. Handy for anyone in the letterhead business.

If you’re after a verse on the duck,
Our old web-footed pal, you’re in luck.
Yes, this limerick reveals
Not just Mallards and teals,
But the... sorry, no room left. You’re stuck.

Lady Luck can at times be a bitch.
Take the case of my dumb neighbor, Mitch:
Shot his foot with his gun,
Sued the shoe store, and won.
Sheer dumb luck made the dumb bastard rich.

The dust mite eats skin cells and craps
Out an allergen, knowing, perhaps,
That it means that we’ll wheeze
And occasionally sneeze
When the breeze wafts it into our laps.

Many camcorders capture DV,
On a hard disk or cards like SD.
Your recordings of Bridget’ll
Linger on Digital
Video; no-one’ll see.

As the day slowly draws to a close
And your waking hours dwindle, suppose
What the evening may bring:
One enchanting last thing,
To diminish to dreams as you doze.

The doctor had scribbled: “Dx:
A neurotic obsession with sex.”
The prescription he wrote
At the foot of the note:
“A lie down, cup of tea and a Bex.”

Dx is medical shorthand for “diagnosis”. Bex powders and pills were compound analgesics widely used in Australia (particularly by women) until the 1970s, when they were withdrawn because of their addictive and kidney-damaging properties. The expression “a cup of tea, a Bex and a good (or nice) lie down” lingered in the vernacular for years afterwards.

All those jocular hairdressers try
To concoct punning business names: why,
That salon over there
Is called “Colour Affair”.
How I wish they’d just curl up and dye.

The trouble with digital zoom
Is it doctors the details: that room
May look bigger to me
When I shoot with DZ,
But I can’t tell what’s what or who’s whom.

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