Definitely Limericks
I wrote these for the Omnificent English Dictionary in English Form, a magnificent, ambitious, and slightly insane attempt to write a limerick for every word in the English language, one letter group at a time. You can see my additions and revisions there, but I like to keep them here as well; the menu below leads to permanent pages for each letter group. You can also see some co-written pieces and an area especially aimed at OEDILFers.
When Sirius goes to the toilet,
Do serious crises embroil it?
Are constellate Dog Stars
Incontinent Bog Stars?
(I know they’re white flowers. Don’t spoil it!)
Our cow-orkers huddle like cattle
In cubicles; typically, that’ll
Mean trouble a-brewing,
’Cos all of their mooing
Will awkwardly make our nerves rattle.
An intentional misspelling for co-mic effect.
Country A reckons lingerie teases.
Country C says a swimsuit’s what pleases.
Between them, one neutral
Remains birthday-suit-ral:
Country B, as their buffer, appeases.
Doc, this pâté of yours is exquisite.
It goes in the blender, then whiz it?
At least that explains
How you’re using your brains!
But it’s hardly brain surgery, is it?
Stick to two unstressed beats, and no more,
Between any you stress, so that your
Humble limerick will scan
For each poetry fan.
(Contradictoriness involves using four.)
The chivachie conquered, or nearly,
The Valley of Death, cavalierly,
But woe, the six hundred!
Foes volley’d and thunder’d;
Which wasn’t that chivalrous, really.
An archaic word for a cavalry raid—with light apologies to Tennyson.
His wife called him near-paralytic;
His Mum and his Dad, parasitic;
His sister, a git;
His vicar, a twit.
He brings out the worst in a critic.
The cornloft is where we store grain
To protect it from dampness and rain.
Up there, near the roof,
Is this granary—proof
That a corny word’s meaning is plain.
I’ve been burning down houses without
Any breaks for a fortnight, about,
And I’ve started to keep
Seeing flames in my sleep—
Truth to tell, I’ve been feeling burnt-out.
That Samson is huge, a colossus.
Don’t piss the man off, or he’ll toss us
From pillar to post.
Just make like a ghost,
And hope that he don’t run across us.
Johnny Appleseed’s legend had grown
Like the trees from the seeds he had sown
All around the Great Lakes,
But his fans made mistakes—
Johnny Kudzuseed’s less fondly known.
John Chapman introduced the apple to large parts of Ohio, Indiana and Illinois. Kudzu has reached Illinois from the South and should smother his legacy any day now.
