I wrote these for the Omnificent English Dictionary in English Form, a magnificent, ambitious, and slightly insane attempt to write a limerick for every word in the English language, one letter group at a time. You can see my additions and revisions there, but I like to keep them here as well; the menu below leads to permanent pages for each letter group. You can also see some co-written pieces, an area especially aimed at OEDILFers, and a page of limerick biographies of famous artists.
Since the moment we learnt to make fire,
The flames have leapt higher and higher.
Now they light up the night
As we burn all in sight,
The earth scorched by the torch of desire.
In citations, most page ranges go
From a start point to end point (as so:
Means there’s still a lot lef’,
Which the pages that follow will show.
FGN bonds, FGN currencies: what’s
With these foreigners calling the shots?
All those FGN guys yelling
’Bout buying and selling
Securities—don’t they have lots?
For Him Magazine (FHM),
UK women know, isn’t for them.
The British man’s lifestyle
Contrasts with his wife’s style:
There’s rather more ogling. (Ahem.)
If a train trip’s your personal heaven,
Come to Paddington, six past eleven,
Platform 3, carriage B,
And prepare to go “Squee!”:
First Great Western will take you to Devon!
Fast-forwarding tapes used to take
Far too long, and could cause them to break.
Press FF on your deck
And you’d mutter, “Oh, heck,”
Or as kids say today, “FFS.”
If your friends are all fellows for whom
Catching up involves dwelling on doom,
Don’t just sit there and fume:
Get some stuff that goes BOOM!
An explosive will scatter the gloom.
We’re on Skaro; the Daleks are near.
Then the Doctor says, “Quick! Disappear!”
In a panic, I try,
But hear one of them cry:
“SHE’S EX-TOG-EN-OUS—IS-N’T FROM HERE.”
Different crate sizes used to constrain a port
In turnover terms. A containerport
Has a standard container
For ships—a no-brainer.
And that, friends, is how you explain a port.
In the darkness, I’m frightened to hear
That a night-time intruder is near.
I’m awake in my bed,
Simply quaking with dread.
I would rather be dead, have no fear.