I wrote these for the Omnificent English Dictionary in English Form, a magnificent, ambitious, and slightly insane attempt to write a limerick for every word in the English language, one letter group at a time. You can see my additions and revisions there, but I like to keep them here as well; the menu below leads to permanent pages for each letter group. You can also see some co-written pieces, an area especially aimed at OEDILFers, and a page of limerick biographies of famous artists.
EU freedom to move with impunity
For a lifestyle or job opportunity
Is for many a boon,
But others hope soon
We’ll all stay in our local community.
It’s resulted in Euro-disunity.
The unlovely portmanteau word Brexit
Is shorthand for Britain and exit,
As in “from the EU”.
Say it turns out we do:
Our economy—what if it fecks it?
Those who dis the Olympics won’t know
That its discus sport’s this: discus throw.
They also won’t know a
Top-notch discus thrower
Will throw a great discus-based show.
To ensure I can stretch out my feet,
I secure, when I’m booking, a seat
By the aeroplane’s aisle.
Tall passengers smile
When their legs aren’t curled up in defeat.
With defeat for his team on the cards,
Kev was willing to do the hard yards,
Puttin’ on one last spurt.
Bloody hell, mate, it hurt!
Now Australia sends her regards.
Kev here represents the handful of batsmen over the years who have brought Australia’s cricket team to victory on the final ball of a match.
“Father Pat,” said a youthful parishioner,
“Do you wash using fabric conditioner?
Why, your cassock’s divine.”
Which would all have been fine,
Were his next impulse not “proposition ’er”.
Ol’ Grandpa avoided much strife
By steering folks’ praise to his wife,
Disavowing all credit,
With a smile as he said it,
Aw-shucksing his way through his life.
When Grandpa dispatched Uncle Max
With an axe in exactly six whacks,
He became an axe murderer.
Keep Mum from the word, or ’er
Heart will give out from such facts.
To disaster zones, aid workers flock—
As the rest of us look on in shock—
Helping people in need:
Truly noble indeed.
(Around here, no one tidies our block.)
Lady Luck can at times be a bitch.
Take the case of my dumb neighbor, Mitch:
Shot his foot with his gun,
Sued the shoe store, and won.
Sheer dumb luck made the dumb bastard rich.
“Why, feminine hygiene’s a breeze,”
Claims my sister, “And handled with ease.
When I’m getting my cramp on,
I whip out a tampon
And guide it up here, past my knees.”
I think she underestimates the full range of women’s experience in this department.
I’m planning a holiday, pal, away
Oot west in the region o’ Galloway,
Where there’s Wigtown, fer books,
A few crannies and nooks,
And a ferry to take me et al. away.
Scotland’s south-westernmost region of Galloway was important in prehistoric times, but these days is a quiet rural setting, known mainly for its ferry town of Stranraer (with sailings to Belfast in Northern Ireland) and the annual Wigtown Book Festival.
Which bodies of ours are gas giants
According to planetary science?
The H/He pattern
Of readings from Saturn
And Jupiter show their compliance.
Saturn and Jupiter consist mainly of hydrogen and helium, making them the Solar System’s two gas giants.
Spending time in the garden’s your nadir?
You’re a known anti-courtyard crusader?
If a cloistered enclosure
So shakes your composure,
No wonder you’re called Garth Evader.
Soon the best chefs of Europe will know
My new cake is the finest gâteau!
It’s a cherry-topped dream
Filled with chocolate and cream,
As they’ll never have seen... before... oh.